I am creating a post that serves as a time capsule—a message to my future self, meant to be revisited in a year so I may reflect on my growth as a Christian and man. Also, a reminder of how I got here.
This post encapsulates the profound start of my journey of becoming a better Christ Follower putting God first and understanding He has a divine plan.
I’ve been on a journey for 15 months and I have struggled with many things. Mainly not understanding the Why. Today, God gave me that why, Me. I’m the purpose.
Read on only if you want the details of how I got there.
Separation from my ex-wife started Friday 10/21/22 when she gladly moved out. Recently 1/17/24 that separation was finalized and I am now "officially" divorced.
I never in a million years thought divorce was even possible. The day I said my vows I meant them in every sense of the words. No matter the issue. No matter the pain, trials, and tribulations - we only depart one another through death. Old school - divorce was never an option.
There’s importance in that backstory because I put everything into my ex-wife. She was the reason I did everything. I lived and gave all of my purpose to her. I dedicated my entire self to her. Her wants. Her family. Her needs. Her happiness. I wanted her to have everything she wanted. I served her.
As you can imagine when I discovered my ex-wife Sunday 10/16/22 at her CEO/boss's "farmhouse" unexpectedly, then she told me "I need to find my happiness". Yeah, not only did I get crushed in every way possible. I also suddenly lost my purpose of 22 years.
Clear Disclosure: To tell her side of the story, she was there to reflect in the quiet and her CEO/boss was not there.
This is where my biggest struggle in life began.
It’s not so much about someone leaving me. Yeah, that hurts. Potential betrayal, yeah, that hurt too. But what I struggled with for hours on end, days, weeks, and months later was because I was 100% LOST without my purpose in life.
My ex was my only purpose. So much so Sunday 10/23/21 (two days after she left) I nearly took my own life. The despair. The lack of purpose. It was far too great. Thank you God for intervening.
I met with Walt Tanner of Capstone Church a few months after the separation started. This was our first encounter with each other. It was an amazing meeting. Here’s the crazy part. He nailed it within 10 min. "You idolized her instead of putting God first in your life". He was right. I couldn’t see it until he said it.
That’s when I started on my journey as Christ Follower instead of praying to God for help when I needed it. I immediately started working on being a better Christian. Put God first. Why? Because God is always constant. He never leaves you. You can always depend on Him no matter what the circumstances are. However I still continued to struggle nearly daily. Some days better than the others. But I always found myself going back to needing my purpose again and again and again. Doing odd things like pushing everyone away and go into a hole inside my home. "Yea I’m good!" hoping no one would check in on me because I was not ok. Reflecting on it now I didn’t want to face it all because I still felt without purpose. My purpose rejected me.
Yesterday 1/27/24 when I woke up knowing I had to be in court at 4:15pm. That was way too many hours to be idle because I know I can be a detriment to myself when I am. Worry. Guilt. Depression. Desire to cover those feelings up. It just sucks. That’s when I went to God.
I started going back through things I saved throughout the last 15 months. Gaining inspiration. I finally looked in the mirror and had the thought - Warrior mode. We all too often have to do things we don’t want to do. I've been scared to move forward. No motivation. But at that moment, the guy in the mirror was delivered. God intervened and said not today. Today we battle. Put on your armor and grab your weapon. Today we fight instead of allowing the world to eat you alive of doubt, pity, and depression. Yesterday, I rose to the occasion. Took care of me and took care of business.
After my successful battle yesterday I felt a sense of accomplishment. Not celebrating my family is not together. Rather a 15 month project has been completed. Accomplished. Relief, what was going to happen, happened; it’s over.
As I was going to sleep last night (1/17/24)I knew my life will forever be changed. But, how was my mind going to respond when I wake up? Are the depressive thoughts going to flood me? Take over me? Why why why me? I honestly didn’t know.
As I was falling asleep 1/18/24 I was going through other people’s stories of strife. There was this one guy that had it all. Lost it all. He had been reduced to a shoe salesman in a department store. He couldn’t understand why he was where he was in life. One day as he was at work he asked God. God, I trust you 100%, I don’t understand it. But can you show me why I’m at where I’m at. That day a lady came in he had helped a few times and he could tell she was in a bad place. He finally pulled it out of her. She said I gave God 24 hours this morning to help me or I’m going to take my life. The man in the story stays with her there crying. Ministering to her for so long he loses his shoe salesman job. God put him where He needed him. So the guy goes on to say. Ask God why are you where you are with heart and be aware of what He shows you.
When I woke this morning my first thought was I’m spending my day with God today. I started it off with "God why did you bless me with all this change?". I read scripture. I opened various apps to be in His word. That’s when God spoke to me. You’re still looking for purpose. Then He made it clear, the purpose is you. He was right. I have not fully changed my mindset of my last purpose. I had not started making me the purpose. And what do I mean by that, doing something good for me for myself. I am my own motivation. As David Goggins says… Perform without purpose. Because when you do that, you’re doing whatever it is to better you. No one else.
Lesson learned. God changed my life to get me closer to Him and to get my priorities in clear order God, Me, Abi, Work, Family, Friends.
I can't wait to read this in 1 year.
Eric
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